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Literature Text

Reflections, Reminders and Realizations.

House season 6 episode one as inspiration.

I think therefore I come into existing as how I think I am.

I've been reading up on codependency and some things just don't seem to click. I can write read and deviate but I can't seem to get this away from me. I can think and think and the pieces just don't fall together. It's like I'm looking threw a window and seeing different reflections threw each separation of my, myself and every other angle. That's the entire point, I've missed it for so long now. I'm seeing ME and thats why it hurts, thats why no one comes close no one comes in. Thats why I constantly look even though I can see others I only see the fear and hurt in me. In any angle I take it I'm still me. One cannot gain true trust until one is willing to trust others.

   I do not trust, not correctly. I only think I trust others. Truthfully, I don't trust myself. That deep seated fear in me that I'll fail or that I'm lacking leads me to shut doors on others before they even get the chance to. I let people hang and dangle just to feel like I can pull them off the ledge, I'm not saving them or myself, I'm feeding into the sickness. Because it is about me my view of myself, my lackk of trust in myself to be mysel;f my all consuming paranoia, manic in every way keeping me "safe" from the world. If I leave people or convince myself that they've left me, then I cant get hurt any worse then that. So in the end theres no true risk involved, I know that pain and I'm constantly doing it to myself, even to my closest of friends.

  The urge for stability is a false understanding of mine. The need to know where I stand with others and make them enable me to give into that instability fixes it only temporarily. The fear is still there waiting for the world to breathe out again...I have it so twisted thinking that others have done me wrong that I've forgotten to think me right, forgotten to look myself in the mirror for who I am. Who I really happen to be is not defined by how others treat me, but by how I treat myself. The goodness in me is not defined by how many people I help just as the darkness in me isn't defined by the bad deeds I've done. We have no right to judge others so why am I holding such a grudge against myself?

Admittedly yes I have issues thats been plainly stated, and I've always said that things are not a game. That's the glue that fits everything together, I have been playing, straight into my own issues because I refused to see my reflection in the glass, I was always trying to look passed me instead of at me. Always tried to have my life defined by others die to the feelings I had around them, or the praise I was given or even the disappointments I've been to them. I find it hard to find interest in others because I never let them speak, never let them out because my mind always tells me I'm shut out immediately. If theres anything I should know it's that I'm never shut out, I just shut myself in and find unhealthy outlets to try and break down the door, my pride and fear keeps me from turning the handle because I convince myself I'll be hurt immediately.

And yes others will hurt me, but they are not me, I cannot find myself in others no matter how hard I look, I just need to learn to keep pace with others and let them co-exist with me instead of inside locked away in along side me.
long post but I needed it.
© 2010 - 2024 DenNami
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MissyTheMouse's avatar
"We have no right to judge others so why am I holding such a grudge against myself?" So true.